>gagging and weeping

>

Recently Showbiz Tonight’s AJ Hammer did a story/interview with Tori Spelling. Below is some of the transcript of that segment from CNN.com.

HAMMER: [W]ith everyone talking about sex scandals right now, here’s one I just had to ask about, Tori cheated on her husband number one with now husband number two. I asked Tori point blank if she ever stopped to think about the damage she was doing not only to her marriage but to her now husband’s marriage as well.

SPELLING: That was the hardest thing for both of us is that there were children involved. There were two other people innocently involved. You know, whether they were happy marriages, whether they were meant to work out, it’s still at the end of the day people are going to get hurt. And that was the hardest thing about that whole situation. But, you know, in life you have to really – you have to look out for yourself and I found my soulmate and I couldn’t deny love. So what was I supposed to do?

First of all, GAG!

Second, what a tragedy of morals, not merely in her actions, but more remarkably in her truly sad and hurtful philosophy. I say this not to aim barbs at Ms. Spelling per se, because she is fundamentally no worse than any one else. We all have dark and selfish hearts. But I say it because it is true, and it is so starkly presented by her words.

There are few projects in all of human existence more difficult than marriage. Marriages fail all the time. There is nothing surprising in that.

What I find shocking (but am I really shocked?) is how openly she excuses her actions by saying: “You know, whether they were happy marriages, whether they were meant to work out, it’s still at the end of the day people are going to get hurt.” Yes, people got hurt, by her actions. And that language of “meant to work out” sounds like marriages are fated, that their success or dissolution are matters ultimately beyond anyone involved, that there really is no persons to blame or praise, just luck.

She then says: “And that was the hardest thing about that whole situation.” From what I can tell it looks like she’s over that now. Any bad stuff is apparently all in the past. Clearly the hardest part is not facing into her moral failings or the ongoing effects of two broken marriages.

Finally, to cap it off she says: “But, you know, in life you have to really – you have to look out for yourself and I found my soulmate and I couldn’t deny love. So what was I supposed to do?” Short answer: honor your commitments,love your husband, repent. I didn’t realize that looking out for oneself trumps all other considerations, as though with a wave of the hand it absolves all other choices.

Maybe I’m being too snippy. I know marriages are complex relationships, and the reasons they succeed or fail are also complex. There are no easy answers. There are no quick solutions. Sometimes, even, it is best for a marriage to end. I have a feeling that there was a lot more to the whole affair than Ms. Spelling is saying. I know nothing of her life. But I have to say that it is sad to hear such bald faced excusing and unashamed selfishness presented as a matter of course.

Finally, it is interesting that she says, “I couldn’t deny love.” What does this mean? It sounds as though she understands love to be something outside herself, a kind of force that is undeniable, unstoppable, untamable. But that is not love she is giving in to, that is romance, and romance is a good, but fleeting thing.

Romance is like a drug, it wears off after time. Love, on the other hand, is a choice, a series of actions, an orientation on one’s character towards another. Love is something you don’t feel as much as something you do, for love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love isn’t here and then gone. One has to work at it, choose it, make the effort, and seek to be the kind of person who loves. Love often (usually?) involves sacrifice, giving of oneself, even denying of oneself and one’s desires.

But, like Tori Spelling, we live for ourselves. In that sense we are all soulmates.

I can see the same tendencies in both myself and in others all the time. In one way or another we all choose to love ourselves more than we love others, and then we all make excuses for it. We tell ourselves stories, and then we actually believe the stories. Now that’s something to really make you weep, if you have eyes to see.

Blesssed are those who mourn . . .

the personal library (get thee organized)

“Beware the person of one book” ~Latin proverb


Charles H. Spurgeon’s personal library (19th century)

As I figure it, if you own a book, and you put that book somewhere in your house (or even your car), then you have a personal library. Of course, some libraries are bigger and some are better than others, for any number of reasons. I have been to homes, even homes with kids, that appeared to have no books in them, not a one. Maybe they were hidden. Maybe the family felt they should keep them out of sight in case someone might think they were intellectuals (oops, no chance there). Maybe books are just messy things and I didn’t know. Those families tend to emphasize sports or video games anyway.

I love books. I probably check out over 1,000 books from the public library every year just to keep my costs down. And then, of course, I buy books. I have always been this way. As a child I hoarded the family’s books in my room. My philosophy is that if one is deciding between buying new clothes or old books, buy the books. Maybe I’ve got problems. hhmmm

I am curious about great personal libraries. I know of one guy who has thousands of books. In order to keep track of his mass of books he has implemented a cataloging database that tracks all his books, indexes them, cross-references them, and makes it all quickly searchable. I wonder if he did all the database entries himself.

We only have hundreds of books. We are thinking of putting a bunch of books in storage just to get organized. I need to get our books organized. Maybe I should try LibraryThing. Looks promising.

Or I could build a nice new little library room, complete with a dog.

I or maybe not like that.

Of course any advice is welcome. There are tips on-line if you can’t figure out how to organize your books on your own.

hhhhmmmmm

I think one’s personal library says a lot about oneself. A messy library is like a messy desk, a sign of a very creative and possibly brilliant person who would rather just stack books right where they are rather than re-shelve them. Just my opinion. The kinds of books one has obviously says a lot too. Some prefer non-fiction over fiction, some philosophy over car repair. Our library says we like art, history, philosophy, gardening, classic novels, poetry, and lots more. But it takes a while to find any particular book because we are not organized. Getting organized is one of our next projects. And then we will really enjoy our personal library.

Don’t you all wish everyone had their own personal library and could enjoy it in their own special way?

Now that’s livin’! And look how organized is his library!

poem:
I used to need somebody
To sit and read to me.
I’d look at every page they read
And listen carefully.
But now that I am in first grade,
I’m filling up a shelf
With stories, poems, and other books
That I can read myself.

Great kid, but don’t forget to organize your books.

>snow this morning

>

I know for some of you this is no big deal. You already have snow and probably want it to finally go away. But for us, this is an event.

>Resolutions

>

I was just looking at last year’s resolutions and I have to say that I mostly failed.

I won’t call myself a failure, for life is too complex for that, but I will say that I am a bit surprised by how little I did from my list. So now we are at the beginning of another year and I want to sweep out the cobwebs and get moving.

Here are a few of the things (not in any particular order) that I am thinking about now and want to accomplish in 2008:

  • Graduate
  • Spend more time with my kids
  • Write several short stories
  • Brew my own beer
  • Run a half-marathon
  • Run a marathon
  • Finish remodeling the house
  • Sell the house and upgrade
  • Get a better job
  • Watch more movies
  • Get outside more
  • Skate, as in get a skateboard and skate with my daughter
  • Downhill ski again
  • Make an album (music)
  • Blog makeover
  • Ride another century bike race/ride
  • Get finances in order
  • Take the family on a good vacation
  • Finish reading books I start

I don’t really know if making a list means all that much. What I need to do is turn these goals into plans and stick to the plans. Just having the list, though, allows for more introspection and evaluation. It helps to put things into perspective.

I am using the website 43 Things to keep track of my goals.

[The picture above is of my daughter on a walk we took in the fall.]

>a particularly important day in my life

>On this day…

Events:

Births:

Deaths:


The lists above (blatantly copied from the November 10th page on Wikepedia) are just a few of the events and names that caught my eye.

Why, you ask, do I care so much about November 10th? Aha! I say. Happy Birthday to Me!

>rationing

>I have several posts backing up but I just started a new job – same company, new job – and have been swamped with training and doing. So things might be, and have been, a little slim around here – excluding me, of course. So I am rationing my time a bit more these days.

And speaking of rationing…

I have watched a bit of Ken Burns’ The War. Although it isn’t the final word on WWII, and not without its controversy, I find it quite powerful. Even though I hate war, and I find the current Iraq war to be wrong on so many levels, I still get choked up over stories of WWII, and especially ones like those on which Burns focuses, namely, the very human drama of suffering, loss, and true heroics born out of profound fear and deeply felt necessity.

I was also struck by a statement that Burns recently made in an interview with John Stewart that there is no such thing as a good war. That all war is bad, and that he hopes his film will provide some perspective. Certainly I can say my suffering is minuscule compared to those who struggle(d) to live through war. Any thoughts?

Here are some thoughts on the topic from Bill Moyers.

the art of a "limited means" life

We live is an age of great abundance for many. And yet, so many struggle for basic things, like shelter. Many of us, though not particularly wealthy by Western/Northern standards (I live in the U.S.), still live like kings compared to much of the rest of the world. And yet, sometimes we still know (I still know), at times, the struggle just to get by, especially those of us who have tried to support a family on a meager paycheck.

With those thoughts/experiences in mind (sometimes buried, sometimes glaring) I watched a fascinating documentary on La maison de Jean Prouvé (part of a great 4 DVD series called Architectures by ARTE France, distributed in the U.S. by Facets Video). I was struck by the simple story of a man who lost his business, faced into a difficult financial crisis, and had to then find appropriate shelter for his large family. His solution was to build on land others said could not be built on, use prefabricated pieces, ask his friends for help, and do it quick and cheep. What Prouvé created became one of the most famous, yet modest dwellings of the 20th century. The house is also both a challenge and an inspiration to me and my aspirations for someday designing my own house. But it is more than merely a question of design.

A few pictures will give some idea of the concept by way of the reality.

Front exterior
Looking out the front windows
One of the kid's rooms
The bathroom
The living room
The kitchen

As one can tell, the house is simple, though not exactly austere; the design is modern, though far from being overrun with ideology; and the space is very economical, giving what needs to be given without giving too much. It is truly an economy of means.

What I also like was how communal and personal the building became, and how it became that way out of necessity. Photos show the Prouvés and their friends hauling materials up the steep hills, laying foundations, putting up walls, and helping the Prouvés reach their goals.



My own philosophy, though still rather unformed, ranges toward the modern and the simple. I love quality and innovation. I also love the challenge, but so too do I love the finished product that can then be enjoyed. Although there are many aspects of Prouvé’s house I would do different, I often think about how much I have and want in contrast to what I actually need.

I believe design and art are central to the human spirit. I am only willing to give up beauty when it is absolutely necessary, and only for temporary periods, for beauty is like air. Some will not find Prouvé’s house to be a work of beauty. To each her/his own. For my part I find tremendous beauty in the simplicity and design of this house, but I also see an acceptance of one’s place in the world. Prouvé was able to achieve both. Live within your means, that is a kind of beauty too.

Jean Prouvé built his house in 1953. I find it an interesting coincidence that I began recently watching Eric Rohmer’s Six Moral Tales. Rohmer began directing the loosely connect series in 1962. I won’t attempt an overview of Rohmer’s life or a critique of his films, but I will say that I find his circumstances of production to be equally as fascinating at those of Jean Prouvé.

In the beginning Rohmer had no money to make films. He had written one novel and then some stories. He was unhappy with how the stories turned out and he felt he needed to make them into films to adequately get across his ideas. Eventually he got what he needed, but only just. His films, especially the early ones, are excellent examples of an economy of means. He shot on a shoestring budget, often using small crews and working with friends. He also tended to shoot in limited takes and tended to prefer first takes. He rehearsed his actors relentlessly and then tried to not let them ask for more takes. Sometimes he used improvisation during rehearsals, but rarely in production. His first feature-length film, La Collectionneus (1967), was shot at less than a 2:1 ratio, which means that most of the takes were at most done twice, and many only once.

Rohmer’s first of his moral tales, La Boulangère de Monceau (1963), was shot MOS (silent), dubbing the audio in later and relying mostly on voice-over, on 16mm format, using found locations. Never released in theaters, this 20 minutes film was almost more of an experiment in style and production, but it clear set the tone for the later films.

Here is a brief look at the filming/story telling style of Rhomer. While we hear a voice-over we watch a simple moment based mostly on looks and glances that are fuller of meaning than the rather unemotional surface gloss might suggest.

When I compare Rohmer and Prouvé I see two driven men, singular in their ideas and ideals, producing great artifacts within strenuous limitations. I also see a mode of production, whether by choice or by acceptance, that is truly independent from larger financial/corporate interests. No one is completely independent, but smaller scales of production, working with friends and colleagues, forced to stay focused on the end goal, and beholden more to one’s own vision than to those of others, makes Rohmer’s moral tales and Prouvé’s family dwelling about as independent as one could hope for.

Some might say that Prouvé’s home is too simple and lacks too much. Some might say that watching Rohmer’s films is like watching paint dry. I know it is a matter of taste, but sometimes I would like to believe that not all taste is equal. Certainly, I find the final products of these two men more satisfying than so much else in this world. And that is what I look for in my own “limited means” life.

>le weekend

>I took Friday off of work so that I could focus my time on my thesis. I am under the gun to get it done and I struggle with my super-procrastinator powers. So did I work on my thesis? Of course not.

View from half-way up Mt. Pisgah

Rather, I decided to keep a promise to my wife that I would get the back fence finished. So, on Friday I made the first of several trips to Home Depot for supplies. Then I tore out the old fence, dug post holes, put in new posts (pressure treated), filled the holes with concrete and let them sit over night. Saturday I got up early, met a friend at a local hill (Mt. Pisgah) and climbed to the top and back. Then another trip to Home Depot, and more work on the fence.

I decided that the fence needed something more than a few boards nailed up to block the view and keep us safer. So I extended the fence higher with a labor intensive hand-made lattice screen made of vertical only boards. I also wanted the screen to look and feel separate from the rest of the fence. I guess I wanted something that was a little more “architectural,” maybe my own little corner of Alvar Aalto or Pietro Belluschi. So the lattice work extends below the top of the foundational 6ft fence by about 5 inches, and then to over 2ft above the fence. It also sticks out about an inch from the fence to give it a more three dimensional look. Overall I like the choice I made, but it took much longer to construct than anticipated.

As the sun was setting on Sunday evening I had about a hour of work left and I was exhausted. My feet were killing me from standing for three days in the wrong shoes. I was sun burnt and covered in grime. But just as it was getting almost too dark to continue I finished, cleaned up my mess, downed a beer, and then went to bed.

And that was my weekend, for the most part. At least the fence got completed!




And the dog saw the whole thing.

>where life is…

>

My life, metaphorically speaking, is a large stove with three or four big burners up front and about twenty or thirty back burners. There are many things, good things, wonderful things, important things that I have to put on those back burners when the big pots on the front burners start a’rumblin’. (I see you nodding your heads.) PilgrimAkimbo, this little corner of my creative world, has been languishing somewhat on one of those back burners with the heat set on medium-low. It will stay there for a while still, poor little blog, with the occasional bubble and pop.

The front burners are:

  • I am in the final throws of my MBA wrestling match. One more class to go, then finish my thesis. The pressure is on from all fronts.
  • Hey, I have a family! Wow, and they’re still here. Happy Father’s Day! Needless to say, families are big priorities and having a baby in the house adds to the level of constant investment. Big events so far this year: Wilder is born; Lily learns to ride a bike; Maricel starts painting again; Lily finishes 1st grade; Wilder keeps growing…
  • My paying job, you know the one that helps us buy food and shelter, is particularly stressful these days. No blogging at work!
  • Once I finish the MBA we will be looking for a way to make it pay for itself, and then some. Who knows, we could be moving sometime in the next several months. Yay & ugh!

In the mean time, I’ve been thinking about this blog, what it is, how it looks, how it could be organized better, and what content it should purvey. Here are some thoughts:

  • I have added a food blogroll, Viands & Victuals, I am looking for more good food related links. And I plan to populate PilgrimAkimbo with food related writing, including some of my favorite recipes and meals – but that’s down the road. When I will have the time to do some food writing I do not know – even my magic eight ball isn’t being helpful.

  • I plan on revamping my whole approach to tags. For those of you who witnessed my last tag fiasco the answer is “yes, I am not too bright, but I know I can learn, I have a masters degree.”

  • I will likely change some of the look-and-feel of the enterprise, but mostly keep it the same. I am a visual person and the style of PilgrimAkimbo only pleases me a little, but I have not had time to affect any changes. And, I am often impressed with the design of other blogs, but it takes time to get to that level. We’ll see.

So, I will still put up a post here and there, makes a few changes when I can, and suffer, as all bloggers must, with priorities. But not suffer too much.

Oh yes, a film…

Last night, continuing Lily’s cinematic education, we watched 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954). Lily found the film very moving and was greatly saddened when Captain Nemo died. I found the film better than I had remembered. This film was my favorite film when I was a kid, but in recent years I had come to believe that the film was a bit outdated. After watching it last night I have changed my views and consider it wonderful.

Recently I posted something on watching Treasure Island with Lily. In that post I mentioned the moral conflicts posed by the existence of the Long John Silver character. There is a similar ambiguity with Captain Nemo. As a kid (and still as an adult) I found Nemo (Latin for “no one”) to be both frightfully dark and exhilaratingly compelling. James Mason is wonderful in the part. He is both evil and good, a villain who cares for the oppressed and hates violence, yet uses violence to get revenge. I did not know exactly how to deal with Nemo. Should I like him or hate him? I saw the same tension within Lily. She knew he was bad, and yet she almost cried when he died. In fact, while we were watching the “making of” documentary on the DVD she did not want to see the crew filming the scene where Nemo is shot. I don’t blame her. For me that is a tragic moment as well, even though I know he is getting what he deserves. In this way Nemo is a little like all of us. We (speaking on individual terms) judge the world and others and yet we deserve to be judged ourselves. We (speaking in terms of “humanity”) all too often use evil in the name of good, justifying our actions because we elevate our own personal stories above those of others. Nemo is the evil and self-righteous genius who believes in the goodness of his own heart. I’m no genius, but I know what it is like to experience the rest.

Note: I absolutely loved the look of pure excitement and amazement on Lily’s face when Nemo says “You may call me Captain Nemo.” For a kid who has grown up with Nemo being a cartoon fish, it was great to see her get truly excited about the origins of “Nemo.”

Extra: you can see the 1916 version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea here.

>being content (more or less)

>my drive to work (6:15 AM)

my arrival at work

my desk at work

I became convinced years ago that the purpose of life is not to find ultimate fulfillment in one’s job. I believe this to be true even for those who have found the “ideal” job. Regardless, I do have a job (thank God) which takes up a great deal of my time. I am also in school, going after a Masters degree, and I have a family (thank God even more), all of which are “full time” in one way or another. But I am a lover of art as well, not least of which includes cinema. Like many others in similar situations, I ask myself where can art fit into my life so that I get what I need without placing a burden on my relationships, or jeopardizing the rest of my life, or feeling guilty that I am catering to frivolous things.

I don’t have a clear answer and I don’t know if there is one. But I think I can boil it down to some essentials:

  • Art is inherently good (self-justifying) and deserves a place in one’s life.
  • Life is not about work, but it is also not about art.
  • Life is about loving others and seeking wisdom. How that plays out in one’s life is unique to each person.
  • Time management is not a bad thing.
  • Being content (“sophrosune”) is a good thing to strive after.
  • There are too many films to watch and too many books to read in one’s lifetime, and there are more arriving every day. So pace yourself, set appropriate expectations, and take a deep breath.
  • People are more important than works of art.
  • It’s really a question of life, so you have to figure it out for yourself.

And at the end of my work day, I go home (or to school and then home) and reconnect with my family. Then I try to get things done that need to be done, and I look over at that stack of movies and hope I might fit them in to my life. Invariably I return some films without watching them, only to check them out again (I get most of them from the library) and once again try to fit them in.

So, I make my way through each day, each week, each year, seeking a fuller life. I try to be smarter, wiser, more loving, and more reliable. And, of course, I try to get more art into my life. In short, I am like anyone else, muddling through in my own selfish way trying to be less selfish. I wish you all better success than I.

my drive home (4:00 PM)