Category: Life

>thanks

Published on by Tucker3 Comments

>We have a lot for which we are thankful. My family is especially thankful for the blessings God has bestowed on us. We are thankful for the outpouring of love and caring from so many people in recent days. In fact, words cannot describe how kindhearted and sacrificial folks have been for us.

I have already posted some of my thanks on my wife’s blog here.

We have been trough a lot in the past two weeks. I have often thought of the Thanksgiving holiday as a kind of throwaway holiday – a day off work and good food but not much more. I always figured we should be thankful all the time anyway, and I’m not into the traditional American mythologies about its history, etc. My feelings have not changed about most of that, but this Thanksgiving has an added dimension. This year we give thanks while my wife is still in the hospital recuperating from a near death experience – that is, I am thankful she and my daughter are still alive.

I wrote in more detail about the experience here and what it means to us.

I have wondered often how one can sometimes be more thankful when in the midst of suffering than in more typical circumstances. I look back on the time when our little family went on the difficult journey of a hard pregnancy, emergency c-section, heart surgery, meningitis, and then death. I look back with wonder and remember how hard it was and also how I felt so grateful and close to God. I felt close to God because he came close to me when I needed it but did not deserve it. We made some great friendships, had others strengthen and deepen, and came to know ourselves in ways we never imagined. I learned how fierce my wife can be when it comes to her children. I learned how gracious and giving our friends and family can be. And now we are experiencing something similar again. I was and am thankful for that experience even though I would not wish it on anyone.

Why God would have us go through these things I don’t know, except that I know deep in my soul it is because he loves us. At the end of the book of Job God comes to Job and gives his answer. In short God does not say why, only that God is God. We are always looking for the “why.” If the answer is that I come to know that much better the nature of the relationship between me and God I am happy. If I become wiser I rejoice. If I learn to love more fully with a genuine spirit then I know I am that much closer to Heaven and its glories.

In times like these theology seems to take a back seat, but not as much as one might think. Not all is emotion when there is suffering. How we understand suffering is always grounded on how we answer the big questions. Is God all powerful? Is he sovereign over reality? If so, just HOW sovereign? Does life have meaning and purpose? If so, does suffering as well? How we answer these questions profoundly guides our response to suffering. Sometimes we can know where we stand on these questions when we listen closely to our prayers.

When we were in the midst of holding out for hope with our second daughter and she was fighting for her life, the terrible tsunami overwhelmed Indonesia. Many, many thousands of people died in that disaster. We had our one life to worry and pray for, but our suffering was only a fragment of what was happening on the other side of the world. I found myself at that time thanking God that we were not going through what those people were going through. I was actually thankful that our suffering was merely difficult and heartbreaking rather than devastating. We can learn from degrees of suffering. As I write this, and as my wife is in pain, and as our daughters cannot climb easily into her arms, I know that much of the world is starving. I know that millions of children have no parents or clean water or adequate health care. I know that, for all my suffering, I live in relative luxury. Suffering reminds me of these things and shows me how complacent and selfish I have become. I live too much for myself and not enough for others. Jesus is my example and I am not a very good disciple. But I know God is faithful and I trust he will create in me a new heart.

I have much to be thankful for.

The name of this blog is not inspired by the pilgrims who had that first Thanksgiving. Here the word pilgrim has everything to do with the journey I am on. In part it is inspired from Pilgrim’s Progress. In part it is from the idea of going on a pilgrimage. I often feel that I am a sojourner in a foreign land. I long for my true homeland, which is not the United States of America, rather it is someplace infinitely better. But I am still glad I live in this country – but not necesarrilly more glad than if I was living in another good country, of which there are many. So my thanks is not so much that I am an American, but that I have been blessed in so many ways and that God can be trusted.

In closing, I must say I am thankful for my family. My wife is my love and my joy. My kids are wonderful lights that brighten my life. The community in which we live supports and loves us. And God continues to pour out his blessings on us, though we do not deserve them.

God be praised

Published on by Tucker12 Comments


I love my wife and daughters. I begin this post with one of my wife’s favorite quotes:

This life is not godliness, but growth in godliness; not health, but healing; not being, but becoming; not rest, but exercise. We are not now what we shall be, but we are on the way; the process is not yet finished, but it has begun; this is not the goal, but it is the road; at present all does not gleam and glitter, but everything is being purified.

~ Martin Luther

I decided a couple of weeks ago to stop posting for a while because life has been too busy and more important things needed to be done. Now I think it is time to post again.

On Monday last my wife was walking our youngest daughter along a sidewalk near our house when a large SUV jumped the curb and struck them. The story is an interesting one that involves a convicted felon fleeing the scene and hiding from police for 24 hours. The local news was all over that. My wife ended up with a fractured pelvis and multiple scrapes and bruises. But the crux of the story is the way death came by so close and did not stay.


It is hard for me to imagine my wife dying. She is in a lot of pain right now, but she is still alive. I praise God every minute for that. We are so fragile and so mortal, and yet life is so powerful and meaningful. When a couple gets married they are theoretically in it for the long haul. Marriage is not a game and it can sometimes bring a lot of heartache, not least when the other suffers. I do not like to see Maricel suffer. We got married just over 17 years ago. Sometimes it seems like a long time somethings its seems like only yesterday. We have lived much of our lives in shared communion and experience. If God were to take her away from me I could not describe the vastness of the hole that would be left in my life.

My daughter Wilder also nearly died. She was in her stroller when it was throw almost 40 feet down the sidewalk. The stroller tumbled but acted like a roll cage and my daughter came away with hardly a scratch. It is also hard for me to imagine her dying. In this case, though, I know what it is like to lose a child. My daughter Coco died in my arms nearly three years ago. I don’t know how I would go through that again. Children are amazing. They are truly gifts that should be loved and cherished at all times. My daughters are brilliant lights in my life. They gleam like stars. I do not want to ever lose one.

My eldest daughter Lily has been through a lot in her 8 years. Her uncle died of cancer, her grandmother was severely burned in a car accident, her baby sister died, her mother and other sister nearly died this week, and her mother is now in the hospital with a broken pelvis. She is a beautiful and tenderhearted girl who can sometimes be too stoic for her own good. I can’t blame her. She has been through a lot.

A friend of mine asked me a couple days ago if I was angry – angry at the driver of the car that struck my wife and child, angry at the situation. I was taken aback because being angry hadn’t even entered my mind, yet I felt at that moment that maybe I should be. Why wasn’t I angry? It’s strange to think about. I certainly don’t think it has anything to do with some kind of moral nobility. I am just like everyone else. I still want justice, I still want the driver to get what he deserves, but I don’t have those burning emotions of anger. And it’s not because I don’t think anger has its place. The only explanation I can come up with is that my experiences have put within me the idea that this is what we should expect from life, the bad with the good, and that people will do bad things because they are sinners like me. If I am mad at anyone else I need to reserve some of that anger for myself too. We are made of the same stuff.

For many the real issue on the table is what to do with all this in light of God. Why would God allow this to happen? Believing that God would actively bring suffering like this into one’s life is not an option for many people. God, they might say, does not create suffering, he only allows it. But God does create suffering, as he creates all things. The question I face is whether I will trust a God who would bring this upon my wife and family. If one does not believe in God then suffering is absurdity. It is when one believes in God that suffering takes on the difficult sheen of meaning and purpose. Suffering glares in one’s eyes. It doesn’t call out to you, it invades your life and, sometimes, it makes itself at home. Suffering forces your hand and makes you lay your cards face up on the table. Suffering tells you what you are made of. Knowing what you are made of is a great gift, and not an easy gift. If God is good, I would expect him to bring suffering into the lives of those he loves. I have struggled with this in my life and I will continue to struggle. But I have come to know that suffering is not the end of life, rather life is the end of suffering.

I am not one to quote pithy Bible verses about suffering or the goodness of God. And if someone tells me what stage in the grieving process I am in, or how God must be trying to tell me something, or how everything works for good, etc., I just smile and nod my head. I believe those verses and I know everything works for good, and I appreciate the reminders, but outside voices only go so far compared to the inside groanings. I know it’s not really a matter of the head at this point, it’s a matter of the heart – and I mean that place in the heart where all sentimentality and saccharine spirituality is stripped away. This really has everything to do with who we are and where we are going.

The best I can do is look at the Bible as a whole and wonder at all the suffering between its pages. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where God says this life will be free from suffering. I don’t see the health and wealth gospel or the prosperity gospel. But I do see that my savior suffered, and that many of the early Christians suffered, and that to be a Christ follower is to take up one’s cross daily. All this does not provide an easy answer to to why we suffer. At least I can say that to suffer is, in some way, to be like Jesus. I can also say that if one is worried if their friendly, easy faith truly has legs then suffering will let them know. But then that faith will no longer be so friendly or easy. Genuine faith lives in that world of both terrifying reality and unfathomable hope. No wonder we are called to love and encourage each other. The more I live the more I know this to be true. When we are told to work out our faith with fear and trembling I know a little more each day about what that means.


My wife and family have a long road ahead, but don’t we all. I know that God is good, but I also know that God is God and I must ask myself if I still trust God to be good when I, or my family goes through suffering. What I pray for is that God will heal my wife soon and completely. I also pray that God will continue to be faithful to love us and that we will continue to trust in him. What is so amazing is to see my wife go through her ordeal with courage and good spirits. She has had a lot of support from so many people. Her hospital room is filled with flowers and cards. She is an amazing woman. Seeing all the love extended toward her is a testament to that.

I said I am not one for pithy Bible verses, but I have to say that many passages in the Bible take on deeper meanings in light of suffering. I can’t help but be reminded of what Jesus did. And I rejoice in his example, though I fail at living up to it. So I quote a couple verses from Philippians:

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

If Christ be my example, then how can I fear suffering or death? And yet, words cannot describe how grateful I am that death did not stay this week. God be praised.

>Bread and Circuses Desks

Published on by TuckerLeave a comment

>This weekend was as crazy as always. In the midst of everything I decided on Saturday to bake some sourdough bread. I had already created a sourdough starter about ten days ago. The bread turned out really good. Here’s a pic:

This past week I started the process of creating a desk space for myself. It’s just a tiny corner, but it’s better than the non-desk space (read end of kitchen counter) I’ve been using for over a year.

I built the thing from scratch, then painted it. I still have some trim work to do, but I will get to that later. For now I’m ready to move in.

It will take me awhile to figure out how to arrange my books, computer, etc. The bottom shelf is now completely full of library books – which gives me pause. I have hopes of this little space becoming my center of operations. Maybe here is where I will write my book.

>kids outdoors

Published on by TuckerLeave a comment

>I am blessed with two beautiful daughters. They both love the outdoors. I find myself increasingly interested in understanding the relationship between kids and nature, that is, how nature plays a role in how kids grow and develop.

Recently I took my eldest daughter on a backpacking trip. Although the “work” of hiking and carrying a pack was not something she loved doing, I did see her come alive at every moment she was able to play and explore. This makes sense to me, and it makes sense when I look at my own life. I am reading a book called Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv.

The basic premise of the book is that in our present age children are not getting into direct contact with nature the way children have for all of history up till now. Nature has been pushed aside because of distractions like video games and computers, by time pressures, and by fear. This lack of nature in kids lives is having a profoundly negative impact on children and our society.

Below are a couple of videos that look at this topic.

When I look at my own life I know that I also suffer from nature deficit disorder. I spend too much time at the computer, on-line, in a cubicle, in front of the television, etc. It’s not just kids that are suffering, it’s all of us who live too much indoors and on-line.

>…if the ocean was your pond

Published on by TuckerLeave a comment

>
Thoreau was not a surfer.

Recently I’ve started re-reading Thoreau’s seminal and quintessential American polemic, Walden. This has coincided with an emerging desire within me to get my kids (and myself) out into nature more, especially into awe-inspiring nature. I am coming more and more to the conclusion that nature is designed to fit with our psyches and vice versa. It seems that one of the advantages of so-called progress is that our lives are contrived such that nature can be experienced as an end in itself, that is, as a ground for unfettered experience, as it were, rather than merely the context of labor. In other words, nature can be both a source of pleasure and offer some deeper connection to our souls.

Sometimes I think it makes sense to pull my family out of society and go deep into nature – permanently. But then I wise up. For all that I love nature, I also love the city. Still nature has its call, which can be powerful. And this makes me think of the Paskowitz family.


Doc Paskowitz, modern Thoreau
or eccentric despot?

Living a life unfettered from society, close to nature, and not far from a kind of animal existence, living in cramped quarters, constantly on the go, and surfing all the time, sounds like the perfect existence for the young surf bum. For a family of eleven (9 kids) it sounds crazy, but that’s what the Paskowitz family did. Here’s a sampling from the recent documentary Surfwise (2007):

There is something in there that I love and long for. There is also something there that I fear. I want my kids to grow up immersed in nature, I want them to run around like beautiful beasts, to live fully and wild. I also don’t want that. They should also be educated, well mannered, savvy, and have the groundwork laid for future opportunities. Balance is key.

So I am both in awe of the Paskowitz clan and I shake my head. What a great life on the one hand, and a limited life on the other. If I could I would do something like they did for a summer, but not a lifetime. Remember, Thoreau lived at Walden pond for only two years.

Of course, I have yet to try surfing.

>sunday morning coffee and books

Published on by Tucker2 Comments

>

Sometimes it is a perfect pleasure to sit outside on a Sunday morning, before the day has turned its heat against us, and read a good book or two while drinking black coffee. So it was this morning.

>to blog . . .

Published on by Tucker2 Comments

>My own observations tell me one of the most common topics amongst those who blog is the question “why blog?”. I ask myself this question. I see others doing so. I see some questioning the validity of blogging, some quiting their blogs, some taking extended breaks from blogging, and many writing about their reasons for blogging as though they are justifying their actions. I also see many expressing a kind of obligation to provide blog content; they apologize for not having posted in a few days or a few weeks. I see some stating they are re-committing themselves to their blog. Some of those do, and some do not. I frequently see blog posts explaining why other things, mostly life, crowd out the time otherwise used for writing blog posts. Some of those life “things” are big things, like a death in the family, or a birth. Other times those things are rather ordinary, like a busy week at work or preparing for final exams at school. And I see many blogs continue to exist largely because those who provide their content do so out of a kind of obsession; those blogs exist because, in some deep way, they must.

So why blog? Blogging is a somewhat new thing. Writing and journaling is not new, but in historical terms blogging, and its technological underpinnings, are very new. On the other hand, blogging is just another form of personal expression, and there are few things in all of human existence as old as that. The reasons people blog are as numerous as those who blog. And yet, the reasons are universal as well: humans need to, and will, express themselves, extend themselves into the world, seek meaning for their existence, and connect with others. If not blogging then something else will fill the gap. When bloggers give up blogging they do not give up expressing themselves. They go down new routes, other pathways of expressing. But blogging is a great path, and so many blog.

For those with an aesthetic sense, which includes everyone but in some it is more pronounced, blogs allow for some design around the verbiage. In some cases blogs will consist only of images with almost no words. For others, blogs are about the words and the ideas they can express. In any case, blogs are generally about ideas, about existence, about the present, about being human. A catalog of blogs would show, most likely, a rich cross-section of all that it means to be human, both specifically/uniquely and universally. Blogs breathe and bleed our humanity.

Why do I blog? Like most people there is a story behind my decision to begin blogging, and the reasons I continue are also drawn from my life. I came to blogging by way of curiosity and a “need” for some creative outlet. I put need in quotes because I can also say blogging became a diversion from what I truly needed to be doing a the time I started blogging, that is, writing my thesis and getting myself graduated. Regardless, I wanted to do something that was more creative and connected myself to others in some way. Fortunately I also finished school.

But there was a bigger reason for my starting to blog. In January 2006 my second child died. We had spent a great amount of time in hospital caring for her. Months had been devoted to her life, and then there was nothing more we could do. This was a crisis for me, and my family. The process raised a lot of personal issues and question, not least of which included questions of who I was and who did I want to be? I realized I had gone down pathways that, step by step, moved me away from my love of the arts, and more specifically, cinema. This may seem like a lightweight realization in such a context, but it reached all the way back to my childhood and brought up a host of deeply personal issues. It was not, needless to say, the only realization I experienced, but I digress.

I had studied art history, film history, and film production at university. I received two undergraduate degrees and one graduate degree in those fields. I had planned on getting my PhD and then becoming a professor at a film or media studies department somewhere. As the saying goes, if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. So there I was, a long way from my old plans, working at a software company, reacting to the loss of a child, and wondering who I was. I wanted to start connecting to like minds, reconnect myself to my love of cinema, and learn more about on-line communities. Mostly I just wanted a creative diversion that might also mean something.

I began with MySpace. I created a page and used their blog tool. I grew tired and frustrated with MySpace for a host of reasons and switched to Blogger. Sometimes I am frustrated with Blogger too, but here I am almost a year and a half later. I am considering switching to something like WordPress. It may not be worth the trouble, or it may.

Like many bloggers I wonder if I have anything to say, if what I have to say is worth the fuss of creating and maintaining a blog, if blogging is worth the time and effort when I could be doing other things, and I wonder just how permanent is my blog. The click of a button could take it all down in an instant. So far I feel that blogging has been mostly good for me, but I also am thinking of moving somewhat away from it and try to channel my energies more toward action rather than words. I would rather my daughters know me as a father who interacts more often with them more than the father who is always at the computer. I also want to be a more active person, get outside more, do more of the things I dream of, like climb mountains, go snow camping, take my kids to ball games, hang out with my wife, etc. Regardless I do know this, in one way or another, I will continue to express myself.

For now, PilgrimAkimbo continues on. I have begun to include other topics of interest to me beyond cinema. I see this blog as becoming my public journal more than merely my way to connect to the on-line cinephile community. My desire is still for a creative outlet, but my needs have been changing. I do hope this blog continues to be a means of enriching my life, and I hope, in some small way, it might actually enrich the lives of others. And yet, who knows what tomorrow may bring.

Wilder says, get outside!


Wilder at the park while her papa keeps her swinging.

>wife/mama runs, family cheers

Published on by TuckerLeave a comment

>I am so proud of my wife. Yesterday she ran her first ever half marathon – that’s 13.1 miles! (Yes, 13.1 miles all at one time, in a row.) Amongst all the other amazing things she accomplishes she found just enough time to train and get ready for this race.

We, that means me, Lily, Wilder, our two bikes and one bike trailer, waited at the 9+ mile mark to cheer her on. (Lily had already run her 1 mile kids race.)


At mile 9+ looking great.

We then waited at a hundred yards from the finish. When we saw her coming down the stretch Lily ran out to join her and run with her to the finish.


Lily runs to her mama.

Overall the day was a good one – long but good. I hope my wife keeps going (she wants to do some triathlons next). I am thinking of running the thing next year. We’ll see.

>The indomitable Fitzcarraldo

Published on by TuckerLeave a comment

>At the end of Fitzcarraldo (1982), after so much effort has come to nothing, the title character still finds joy. He is a successful loser. A man of dreams and the joy of dreams. I want to be like Fitzcarraldo. I want to be indomitable.

I love this film. It is bizarre and amazing. It is also a wild and woolly romp into the insanity of making the impossible come to life, like the modern Prometheus’ dream. This is true for both Fitzcarraldo and for Herzog, the true Fitzcarraldo. But I want to be Fitzcarraldo. I want to be Herzog. I want to take on the big dream and live through it.

Or more importantly, I wan to be the successful loser. Not that I want to be a loser. But I know that I will lose. I am already a loser of sorts. I have already lost many things, sometimes volitionally, sometimes not. But I want, I need, to find joy in whatever I do and wherever I end up.

Remember where Fitzcarraldo started. He was a man close to incurable insanity. The scales had nearly tipped against him. His dream ate at him, tormented him, nearly destroyed him.

And yet, when he actually did what was insane, what was the process of his dream, he found joy. There is a lesson here. Fitzcaraldo did what he was made to do. He plunged in to the substance of his existence. He lived out his fate. He lost. He found joy. In this sense one could say that Fitzcarraldo’s dream was a kind of grace, a blessing as it were, bestowed upon him like near death experience brings about a new love of life.

And then, when he returned, Fitzcarraldo found, once again, another uncertain future, but that’s another story. And that is life, and maybe opera.

>a milestone

Published on by Tucker6 Comments

>

Today I have reached a milestone of sorts. I turned in my final rough draft of my thesis.

God be praised!

This thing has been a weight on my back for over a year. It has interfered with much of my life. But it is also a good thing which I chose to do. Alas. I know I will get feedback and will then have to make some changes, but I think it’s not too bad, even passable depending on how gracious my thesis committee is willing to be. Of course, helping me improve it is also gracious, as well as their job. And I still have to defend the thing, but, honestly, that’s the easy part.

But the draft is done.

As a kind of footnote: I typed the thing using the Open Office word processor called “Writer.” And I used an old laptop running a version of linux known as Ubuntu. Neither were without their quirks, but I like open source, so whatever.

Now, a beer.