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[note: most of the text in this post I lifted from comments I made over at Jim Emerson’s Scanners blog.]

Okay, I do have to say that I love watching the Oscars. I know that it is essentially a gimmick (the industry awarding itself, the ceremony invented to promote film and increase sales, etc.) and I know that the best don’t always (usually?) win, nor are the right films always nominated. I know there are lots of issues and problems with the Oscars, and at one level I poo poo them. And yet, there I am, planted in front of the television from the first pre-Oscar broadcast to the final post-Oscar interviews, commenting and cringing, laughing and teary-eyed, annoyed and elated. And I have to confess that each year, from since I was a boy, I have imagined myself up there getting my award, etc. I certainly can’t stand shameless self-promotion, even at the Oscars, but I do love the whole spectacle. One reason is that it is amazing to see so many filmmakers in one place. I just want to say, “those are my peeps!” and give them hugs and handshakes, and have them acknowledge me, and be important enough to acknowledge them, etc. Of course, from the safe distance of the television broadcast and my comfy couch, though. Oh, and I have to admit that I really get into the whole “who’s wearing who” thing. I’m not a fashion/haute couture kinda guy, but it’s my one time each year to let myself go, so to speak. To put it in perspective for me: if I watch the Superbowl I feel as though I’ve wasted my whole day, however, when I watch the Oscars I actually feel like I’ve added something to my life, even if that something is a little too smug, a little too glitzy, and little too shallow at times. Maybe I’m just sappy.

Of course, when I win my Oscar, and I’ve been planning to do so for a long time, I will try to keep my composure, be humble, and be honest. I have my speech all planned:

I want to thank you all for coming here tonight. Ever since my acting teacher, Ms. Johnson, said I didn’t have the talent to win an Oscar I set out to prove her wrong. And that’s why I became a director. So there is wonderfulness in this crazy old world. And this (I hold up my Oscar) proves that God does love those who sacrifice everything for the pursuit of their craft, and a few other things. I want to thank those who have been with me through thick and thin, like my dog and the Starbucks drivethrough. I also want to thank the following people… (I pull out a long, long list and then break down weeping hysterically. This list falls to the floor. I continue to cry. The exit music begins. Immediately I stop crying and regain my composure.) Filmmakers, all of us, have a duty (at this point I get louder to talk over the music) to bring some happiness into the little lives of humdrum people and maybe change the world just a little bit for the better. I know that didn’t come out right, but I know you’ll forgive me, and you’ll forgive me for saying (louder still) that I’m so glad to get something I truly deserve! Not just I, but also those who lost. Take that Ms. Johnson! Thank you all again. Directing is a humble profession! (I hold up the Oscar.) This is for all of you! I love you all, I truly do! Goodni…! (Cut to commercial).

Honestly, I can hardly wait for my Oscar.